Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Well That’s Embarrassing

So I’m sitting at my desk at the end of the day yesterday, minding my own business, when I realized I had to pee. Since I generally have to pee every hour on the hour (what the fuck is UP with that by the way?), I thought nothing of it and headed for the bathroom. Walking into a stall, I closed the door and, you know, peed. Pretty normal so far, right? Yeah, it was.

(Totally random aside: Do you ever find it hard to pee in a public bathroom if there is someone else in there? I mean, it’s totally quiet yet you know someone else is there, and you’re sitting there trying to pee – yes, I realize this is a horrifying topic – and you just CAN’T. It’s like there is too much pressure on you (me) or something. Am I the only one this happens to? I mean, no matter how badly I have to go, I can’t. I find myself just waiting for everyone to leave. My mother calls it my ‘bashful bladder.’ Doesn’t it make sense that all public bathrooms should have some music playing in the background or something? For privacy. So um…am I the only one who has this problem?)

Anyway, so there I was reaching out and preparing to fight with the toilet paper dispenser (that crappy cheap toilet paper just tears and doesn’t roll out when in the fucking dispenser – I always find myself tearing off little scraps, trying to get the equivalent of just a few fucking squares), when the dispenser freaking explodes on me. Well, maybe not explodes. Just flies open unexpectedly. Right into my arm. And it’s metal.

That goddamn fucking dispenser ripped my arm open. I mean, it TORE the skin off my forearm – I freaking looked like I had tried to slash my wrist or something. And it HURT.

So of course I immediately freaked out, started cursing, and frantically tried to tear a roll of toilet paper out to staunch the flow the blood. Frantically pulling my skirt down and flushing, I rushed out and went to the sink to try to clean up some of the blood.

I’ll admit, I wasn’t really paying attention to much else beyond my arm.

So, I left the bathroom and immediately went into the kitchen area on my floor to a) get to the first aid kit that we keep there which (sadly – I can be accident prone) I already know stocks both Neosporin and band aids, and b) bitch to anyone who was there (the kitchen is a place that always has a few people around) about how the bathroom had attacked me.

What I didn’t notice – as I went into one of the most heavily populated areas in my office – was that I had tucked the back of my skirt into my underwear. My Tomboy underwear with the Tonka trucks all over them (shut up) if you want to get specific about it.

Apparently, everyone else did notice. And it only took about 5 minutes before someone told me – five minutes of me making myself the center of attention, but whatever.

Quick note: As luck would have it, I was wearing a new sundress yesterday. It was pretty and flowy and nothing like what I normally wear – I’m more of a jeans (yes, we mainly wear jeans in my office) or (if I’m wearing a skirt) pencil skirt type person. I don’t wear gauzy and flowy, I wear fitted and body conscious. The major plus to these types of clothes – on a normal day I would TOTALLY notice if my skirt was up above my undies. With a flowy dress…not so much.

Where was I? Oh yeah, so I was in the kitchen telling everyone about my brush with the toilet paper dispenser, when one of the women from my group walked in, took one look at me (she came in behind me, where my behind was facing the open door for everyone to see as they walked by), and immediately walked over and whispered in my ear that my ass was hanging out.


Turning bright red, I reached back to check and…yup, my butt was bare. Silently thanking God for all the lunges and squats I do even though I hate them (hell, if I’m going to be flashing the world I want to at least take solace in the fact that my ass looks good), I quickly grabbed the skirt of my dress and tugged. I didn’t even try to hide what I was doing – fuck it, everyone knew anyway. Fuck, I thought. That explained why no one had seemed to care about my story. It did make me regret how – in an effort to really capture the drama of my experience – I had been gesticulating wildly and generally doing everything I could to get them to pay MORE attention to me.

I’m a moron.

Realizing that I needed to say or do something now (my audience was waiting after all), I thought, and thought, and thought, and finally just gave up, shrugged, and hauled ass (no pun intended) out of there (my pride was a distant memory at that point anyway). And (of course) walked straight into the ONE cute, straight, single guy in the office.

Now I normally flirt with this guy (he’s really cute), even though I would never date someone I work with. I do it because he’s fun and he seems to like me. But not yesterday. Not after the Great Ass Debacle. Oh no. Yesterday I barely acknowledged him as I RAN back to my desk, quickly turned off my computer, grabbed my bag, and left. Hell, sometimes you have to just tuck your tail between your legs and GET THE FUCK OUT.

So that’s my story – just a typical Tuesday in the life of Redhead. I am a fucking rock star. So, how’s your week been so far guys?


TK said...

I'm sorry, I needed a second to collect my thoughts, wipe the tears from my eyes.

Whew. That. Was. AWESOME. Highest of high comedy. I mean, I'm sorry and all, but you know if I'd have written that you'd have died laughing.

As for the bathroom thing - I don't think guys have ANY hangups about peeing around other guys. Considering that we freely do it outside, in alleys, and in some truly funky restrooms (ahem, ballparks?), at this point I could pee in front of a firing squad of supermodels without blinking.

glassyarddog said...

I live for that kind of stuff. Too bad there were not pictures involved. Did someone potentially snap one with their phone?

Also, guys tend not to have problems peeing, but when taking a dump, I do like to be alone in the bathroom. Or, do a courtesy flush when the loud part happens. Its sort of customary in our office to courtesy flush during the first crap blast, so there are times our john is like a flushing symphony if most of the stalls are in use.

Redhead said...

tk: I'm so glad I was able to provide you with some amusement - eveyone I work with has been teasing me today. I'm going to have to drink A LOT at the game tonight.

glassyarddog: (Stunned silence)

glassyarddog said...

Just a random peek into the world of men. At least you won't have to wonder what goes on behind the swinging door.

And, hey, you asked.

Actually, I'm still shocked that I typed that particular description, and accurate it really is.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Oh god. Babygirl, I know your pain. But thank goodness that happened to you so you could write about it and bring others so much joy! nice post.

onthevirg said...

Dude...flashing Tonka truck chonies? I almost spit water all over my monitor when I read that. You, my delicate flower, are a never ending stream of awesome.

Bella said...

That sucks.

Did make for a good blog though. Consider that to be therapeutic. :)

I had a similar experience (well, maybe not). One day at work I was wearing a snap front scrub top. My patient's door handle got caught in the top and one of the nurses I was entering the room with pushed the door open and all the snaps came loose and there I was, exposed to the whole room of people, bra and all. I had to excuse myself to go snap it back up. Not only that, I still had to go in and out of that room the same day and face those people. We laughed sooo hard. It was funny.

Course I don't wear those kinds of tops anymore.

Redhead said...

glassyarddog: I mean this in the nicest way possible, but NEVER GIVE ME THAT PEEK INTO THE WORLD OF MEN AGAIN.

a lover and a fighter: Thanks. I actually thought of you yesterday (you know, after the abject humiliation had worn off a bit) and your bra fiasco last week - it's amazing how these things are so funny when they happen to other people, and so horrifying when they happen to you. Still, at least we're entertaining people!

onthevirg: Aw, thanks. And let me just say, those Tonka trunk undies are one of my favorites - but that doesn't mean I EVER wanted to share them with my office. Ugh.

bella: It is amazing how everyone seems to have a similar story that happened to them - random nudity: the great equalizer. It's nice that you had a sense of humor about your experience; I'm getting there with mine.

TK said...

What a great office you have. I wish my office had a "Take Your Ass
Out At Work" day.