Quick update on my life, and then I’m going to go back to being hungover:
Christine and I went out drinking last night (I think we all remember what happened the last time we grabbed a drink), BUT FIRST we went to see Harry Potter. Um…how do I say this tactfully?...nope, can’t say it tactfully – I wanted to fuck Harry Potter.
OK, let me rephrase: I found myself VERY attracted to the actor who plays Harry Potter – Daniel Radcliffe. Now for a fan of the books – and someone who has seen every one of the Potter movies – that can be a little disconcerting. Why? Well, the movies started when Radcliffe was like 12. Fucking 12! I REMEMBER what he looked like back then. Sure, he’s grown up (aka legal) now, but…God, I’m going to hell.
So we’re sitting in the movie theater, and I realize the direction my thoughts are going. Now instead of keeping it to myself (discretion – what’s that?), I turn to Christine and whisper in her ear something along the lines of, “Am I loosing it or has Harry Potter gotten hot?” Mistake # 1: Even letting Christine know what was going on in my head. Mistake #2: Saying Harry Potter had gotten hot rather than saying Daniel Radcliffe had gotten hot – I’m not sure why this is, but it just sounds a LITTLE less wrong when I’m not using the name of a beloved children’s book character.
Anyway, Christine didn’t miss a beat before shouting (in the movie theater!), “Oh my God, you’ve become a dirty old woman.” I opened my mouth to argue, but…fuck, she was right. I mean, just moments before I HAD been fantasizing about engaging in lewd acts with Harry Potter (shit, sorry – Daniel Radcliffe).
Radcliffe (incidentally), turned 18 LAST WEEK. This is a boy who – if I ever met him, lost my mind, and picked him up – probably wouldn’t even know what to do with me. FUUUCCCKKKKKK!
So after the movie ended, it was clear I desperately needed some grown up time – we went to a bar. Once there, it was a bit of a horror show in the beginning. (Note: Grown up time can suck.) Why? Well, I got another doozy of a pickup line. (How does this always happen to me?) Want to hear it? Cool, it went something like: I want to fuck you so hard – maybe in the ass.
No, I’m not kidding or exaggerating. I’d actually met the guy who uttered this beaut only about 20 minutes before he delivered it. Christine almost died. Thankfully, I was already halfway through my second drink (yes, in 20 minutes – dirty old women sometimes need to drink hard), so I was barely fazed. I simply gave the guy a head tilt (kind of like I was trying to figure out what he was on) and then moved on to his friend. That guy was better (of course, it would have been shocking if he wasn’t).
Long story short, I met ANOTHER guy while at the bar – not part of the first (shockingly bad line) group. He was…(girly sigh) about six feet tall, short brown hair, blue eyes, incredibly hot body, and the most badass tattoo on his arm I have ever seen.
You see, I kind of saw it peaking out of his shirt collar when we started talking but held myself back from saying anything. However, after a couple more drinks (hence, my current hangover) I was finally ready to see the merchandise (so to speak). And it turned out to be even better than I expected (I fucking LOVE tattoos). Now I didn’t see all of it – he just pulled the neck of his shirt over so I could check out the shoulder and top of his arm – but what I did see…(am I drooling?).
So…um…eventually it came time to leave, and I went to give Tattoo Guy my number (yes, I gave him my number – yes, I realize I need to break up with NY Guy ASAP), only he wouldn’t let me leave just like that – he wanted plans for a date AND my number. So…(clearing throat and looking away)…we’re going out next Thursday. (That’s enough time to take care of my shitstorm of a personal life – that I created – right?)
Oh, and then Tattoo Guy called me an hour or two after I left the bar – he’d just gotten home and said he couldn’t wait to speak to me again. We talked for about an hour before I finally told him I had to go to bed. (Another sigh.)
Anyway, yeah – that’s what’s going on in my life. I’m a dirty old woman (probably going to hell), I’m like a magnet for horrifying, horrifying pickup lines, and I TOTALLY have a HUGE crush right now on a new guy. So…how’s everyone else doing? Looking forward to a good weekend? Anything new you want to tell me?