Friday, August 3, 2007

Life Update

Quick update on my life, and then I’m going to go back to being hungover:

Christine and I went out drinking last night (I think we all remember what happened the last time we grabbed a drink), BUT FIRST we went to see Harry Potter. Um…how do I say this tactfully?...nope, can’t say it tactfully – I wanted to fuck Harry Potter.

OK, let me rephrase: I found myself VERY attracted to the actor who plays Harry Potter – Daniel Radcliffe. Now for a fan of the books – and someone who has seen every one of the Potter movies – that can be a little disconcerting. Why? Well, the movies started when Radcliffe was like 12. Fucking 12! I REMEMBER what he looked like back then. Sure, he’s grown up (aka legal) now, but…God, I’m going to hell.

So we’re sitting in the movie theater, and I realize the direction my thoughts are going. Now instead of keeping it to myself (discretion – what’s that?), I turn to Christine and whisper in her ear something along the lines of, “Am I loosing it or has Harry Potter gotten hot?” Mistake # 1: Even letting Christine know what was going on in my head. Mistake #2: Saying Harry Potter had gotten hot rather than saying Daniel Radcliffe had gotten hot – I’m not sure why this is, but it just sounds a LITTLE less wrong when I’m not using the name of a beloved children’s book character.

Anyway, Christine didn’t miss a beat before shouting (in the movie theater!), “Oh my God, you’ve become a dirty old woman.” I opened my mouth to argue, but…fuck, she was right. I mean, just moments before I HAD been fantasizing about engaging in lewd acts with Harry Potter (shit, sorry – Daniel Radcliffe).

Radcliffe (incidentally), turned 18 LAST WEEK. This is a boy who – if I ever met him, lost my mind, and picked him up – probably wouldn’t even know what to do with me. FUUUCCCKKKKKK!

So after the movie ended, it was clear I desperately needed some grown up time – we went to a bar. Once there, it was a bit of a horror show in the beginning. (Note: Grown up time can suck.) Why? Well, I got another doozy of a pickup line. (How does this always happen to me?) Want to hear it? Cool, it went something like: I want to fuck you so hard – maybe in the ass.

No, I’m not kidding or exaggerating. I’d actually met the guy who uttered this beaut only about 20 minutes before he delivered it. Christine almost died. Thankfully, I was already halfway through my second drink (yes, in 20 minutes – dirty old women sometimes need to drink hard), so I was barely fazed. I simply gave the guy a head tilt (kind of like I was trying to figure out what he was on) and then moved on to his friend. That guy was better (of course, it would have been shocking if he wasn’t).

Long story short, I met ANOTHER guy while at the bar – not part of the first (shockingly bad line) group. He was…(girly sigh) about six feet tall, short brown hair, blue eyes, incredibly hot body, and the most badass tattoo on his arm I have ever seen.

You see, I kind of saw it peaking out of his shirt collar when we started talking but held myself back from saying anything. However, after a couple more drinks (hence, my current hangover) I was finally ready to see the merchandise (so to speak). And it turned out to be even better than I expected (I fucking LOVE tattoos). Now I didn’t see all of it – he just pulled the neck of his shirt over so I could check out the shoulder and top of his arm – but what I did see…(am I drooling?).

So…um…eventually it came time to leave, and I went to give Tattoo Guy my number (yes, I gave him my number – yes, I realize I need to break up with NY Guy ASAP), only he wouldn’t let me leave just like that – he wanted plans for a date AND my number. So…(clearing throat and looking away)…we’re going out next Thursday. (That’s enough time to take care of my shitstorm of a personal life – that I created – right?)

Anyway…

Oh, and then Tattoo Guy called me an hour or two after I left the bar – he’d just gotten home and said he couldn’t wait to speak to me again. We talked for about an hour before I finally told him I had to go to bed. (Another sigh.)

Anyway, yeah – that’s what’s going on in my life. I’m a dirty old woman (probably going to hell), I’m like a magnet for horrifying, horrifying pickup lines, and I TOTALLY have a HUGE crush right now on a new guy. So…how’s everyone else doing? Looking forward to a good weekend? Anything new you want to tell me?

20 comments:

TK said...

Sweet merciful crap, your life is far more interesting than mine.

There's nothing wrong with finding Radcliff hot - hell, the girl who plays Hermione is cute... and slowly making her way to shit-hot. And I won't even talk about the girl from Heroes, for fear that the pedo police will come drag my ass away.

As for your new crush. Fuck it. What the hell, I say. It'll just get you closer to moving on from NY Guy, so give it a whirl.

And you're right. Tattoos rule. I'm starting to get the itch for another one... although it's only been a few months since the last one.

Boo said...

i think you should call Tattoo Guy and say, "I'd love to fuck you real hard--maybe in the ass." If he's into it, you have a winner!

YAY for tats. :) (insert blog hint here of my new work. I have a pic!)

i think this gives you a great out with NY Guy. Give him the ol' "I've met someone else" line. That one ensures enough humiliation that you probably won't have to deal with late night drunk dialings, or if you happen to see him while on date with Tattoo Guy.

Go 'head, girl. Get you some.

Jack Cobra said...

If a dude pulled that junk on a girl he was 'dating' I have to believe the ladies in here would be screaming at him...i'm just saying.

Redhead said...

tk: Thanks for the support - not sure I deserve it though. Oh, and I always support new tattoos, but don't go overboard (I like them strategically placed, but when some guys have them EVERYWHERE, they kind of freak me out).

boo: I'm going to try not to freak Tattoo Guy out right away, and I sincerely hope my just blurting that line out would freak him out (at least a little).

And, um, I was actually the culprit of the drunk dial last time, not NY Guy. He REALLY doesn't deserve to be dumped meanly here, so I won't be telling him I met someone else either (I already feel like enough of a bitch). I'm thinking I'm going to have to give the whole "I'm just not ready for this" speach again, and then I WON'T ruin it by calling for some action 2 days later.

jack: Totally agree with you - I'm going to hell. But in my defense, I'm not married and acting like a selfish asshole, I'm dating and acting like a selfish asshole - big difference. Right?

Jack Cobra said...

Personally, I'm trying not to be judgemental. I like to read your blog. It's entertaining to me. I'm not sure there is that big of a difference in my mind, but most people find me different.

I just think if a dude did all of that, then the ladies would be complaining. That's all.

Redhead said...

I agree, I'm being treated pretty well considering how badly I've behaved.

So, does it make it any better that I haven't necessarily DONE anything with anyone else yet - and that I won't until I've broken up with NY Guy (even though, technically, I broke up with NY Guy over a week ago)? Or are we under the 'Would it upset you if you found out he had done it' rules of right and wrong?

Ah well, either way, I find your high moral character very sweet.

Jumpshootingfool said...

Imagine if Harry Potter got a tattoo in the movie. You might have started making out with Christine right there....
And I agree with Jack Cobra. I dump a woman for another one and I'm an asshole. She dumps me for a rich guy and that's her perogative. Not like that ever happened or anything....
And what's up with these pick up lines in NY? Do these dip shits really think they're going to work?

onthevirg said...

I creeped myself out quite well back when I watched that movie The Professional w/ Natalie Portman. Even back then you could tell she was going to be a beautiful woman. Even though she was like 12 when she made it. I swear it was only that once Chris Hansen! TK's right on both counts on the other two young ladies. Though the one from Heroes is close to being legal. Cheer

As for Tattoo Guy, why not? It's obvious you don't want to stay w/ NY Guy. Just get detached before Thurs and you're golden.

BTW, I would have thought that calling immediately after just meeting a lady would be considered desperate and/or stalkerish?

Redhead said...

jumpshootingfool: Yeah, those double-standards must suck for you guys, huh? Oh, and dumped for someone who makes more money? Ouch. Are you sure that was the reason?

And the really scary pick up lines - a very new (and hopefully short-lived) development.

onthevirg: You guys aren't necessarily making me feel better about my Daniel Radcliffe crush - now I just feel like I've surrounded myself (virtually) with a bunch or pervs.

Normally calling right away would be considered desperate and stalkerish, but - as with most things in life - everything depends on who's doing it (hard and fast rules don't apply). This guy was/is HOT. He was cool. He was smooth and confident. I was the babbling, desperate spaz. When he called right away, I was completely...charmed. Not freaked out AT ALL.

glassyarddog said...

OK, I'm probably headed to the banned list on this site, but I'll take my chances.

Crush on Harry/Daniel: he's like 5'6" and as you mentioned, just turned 18. Yikes, I'll stop there.

Tattoos: IMO, I think they have zero value. Drop me a photo of said tat when the person hits 60, 70 and beyond. Nice. Like Ronnie TLD on Howard, what once was a panther turns into a salamander.

Tat guy: At least dump NY Guy first. Was this Tat guys line when he called, "You must be exhausted because you have been running through my mind all night"? Another Yikes.

Ban away, Red, I'm just going negative on your post.

Redhead said...

I've never banned anyone, and I'm certainly not going to start with you - gross me out and disagree with me all you want. Now having said that...

-I get what you're saying about Daniel Radcliffe, yet I still wanted him BAD when watching that movie. Help.

-I'm not planning on being with Tattoo Guy when we're 60/70 - he falls into my Hmmm, Cute/Bad Boy category. (If anyone's interested, NY Guy was a Yes, Please, Thank You guy.)

-Of course I'll dump NY Guy before doing anything with anyone else - although my current behavior doesn't really show it, I DON'T CHEAT. Oh, and Tattoo Guy didn't give me any stupid lines, he just called "To make sure [I] got home okay." He also said he didn't want to wait until tomorrow (today) to call and check. Sigh.

Jack Cobra said...

My current gf and I had the discussion about what constitutes cheating just the other night (relationship marker?) and we concluded cheating can be done physically (kissing/sex/etc.) and non-physically (phone calls/excessive flirting/etc.)....or at least that's what she got me to agree to.

TK said...

My definition of cheating is pretty broad - if the other person saw you, would they be pissed? Would you feel guilty? Well, then there you go.

BUT, that said, that's my own puritanical value system. I say do whatever you want, have fun, blog about it, and I'll simply thank Allah you're not my girlfriend.

And GLD - that's why panther tattoos are stupid. In fact, most tattoos are stupid, because people don't think about the long-term ramifications of something that permanent. I have a few, but for the most part (except for the first one, where I was young and stupid), they are thought out, carefully planned, and personally significant. No stupid chinese characters, no tribal crap, no giant panthers.

Jumpshootingfool said...

This chick was mega hot ("did I tell you about the time Donald Trump was checking me out?" "Um--about 100 times." Stuck up, high maintenance, etc. But like I said, mega hot. The guy she was with before me was a millionaire. Or so she thought. His daddy was a millionaire (big difference)and he just mooched off the family dime. But he lavished her with gifts, trips, etc which I just couldn't afford to do. She cheated on me with a Wall St big shot who also makes huge coin. Now they're married and I hope she has herpes. The end.

Jumpshootingfool said...

Oh, and those pick up lines. I'm going to try "I want to fuck you so hard--maybe in the ass" this weekend. If it works I may start my own blog.

Redhead said...

jack: Excessive flirting? What's that? But OK, I'll admit I would have been pissed if NY Guy had done what I did last night - I should not have been giving out my number or making dates with other guys...obviously.

tk: Well thanks so much - I do so enjoy the fact that you're thanking Allah that I'm not your girlfriend. In my defense: I have issues with relationships. I try not to get too emotionally involved, and I try not to let my partners get too emotionally involved. That can lead to behavior on both our parts that even I don't approve of. However, I have NO DOUBT that if/when I find the right person, I will be completely trustworthy (like right there with that puritanical system of yours). I'm just not there yet.

jumpshootingfool: Ouch. She sounds AWESOME. I want to hear more - in fact everyone, if you have bad relationship stories, I want to hear them (hopefully they'll make me feel better about myself).

Oh, and if that line works for you I'll give you $20.

onthevirg said...

I'm in for another $20 if Jump can pull that off. I hope his medical insurance is paid up.

Bella said...

You crack me up! I wish my life were as exciting.

The whole Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe thing is a hoot. Not for me though. Far too many think my son looks just like him. :)

Jack Cobra said...

Excessive flirting = anything I say to at a bar to a woman that is not my gf. At least that's how I understood it as she gave me a dirty look and pointed her finger at me. 99.9% of the time she's really sweet so I knew she was serious. (some exaggeration implied)

Redhead said...

bella: My life really isn't that exciting, trust me - I just spent the last 3 hours editing a book about tolerance...in a related story, I need more coffee.

jack: I seriously hope your exaggerating there - I'm going to go ahead and assume you are. I say flirting with other people should always be allowed (hell, my mom always laughs when my dad tries to flirt with other women at the supermarket or something). But clearly, giving your number out is more than just flirting - stange (and scary) as it is to hear ME saying this, I think if a couple really does trust each other, than a no flirting rule shouldn't even have to be instituted.

Then again, I'm not to be trusted in any relationships right now, so what the fuck do I know.