Monday, August 13, 2007

Redhead’s Fat Ass

I’m…so…tired. Can’t…think…very…hard. So forgive me if this makes no sense. To recap my weekend:

My grandmother is in town visiting, and she is staying with my parents. Translation: My mother is going to kill someone soon – hopefully NOT my grandmother (my father’s mother – for those of you who hadn’t guessed already). My job was to run interference over the weekend – this basically meant I spent the weekend with my parents and let them feed me.

Saturday night involved meeting up with mom and dad, my grandmother, brother, and sister-in-law for dinner in Manhattan. It was decadent and wonderful, the company was lovely, and I got drunkety drunk drunk. (Seriously, I woke up at 3am with the whirlies.)

Note: I enjoy getting dressed up and going to a REALLY nice restaurant more than most people, but spending more than $1,000 on one meal does seem a bit excessive to me. Not excessive enough to stop me from thoroughly enjoying it, but…I wish I made more money. Guess I’ll just have to marry well (or keep mooching off my parents).

Anyway, back to the story. So on Sunday my parents were having a barbeque at their house; my brother and sister-in-law were bringing out my nephews to swim in the pool, and a bunch of other people were going to be there. Just to torture me, my father made his ribs (my all-time FAVORITE food). He also made Johnsonville brats. Fuck – being a vegetarian sucks.

But I stuck to my guns, explained why I was staring at everyone like I wanted to kill – simply because they were eating what I wanted to be eating – and endured the endless feedback/opinions/blatant mocking of those present. Some comments on my new vegetarian kick:

My sister-in-law: (Note: She’s fucking awesome, but she doesn’t pull any punches) “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard – you’re too old to be going through a phase like this. I would have accepted this right after you finished college, but not now. Cut it out.”
My mother’s friend: (Note: She is blunt to the point of scaring people – not surprisingly, we get along really well when we’re not at each other’s throat) “Men won’t want to date you if you’re a vegetarian, Redhead. They like a woman who will go out and order a steak, NOT a salad. So get over your guilt – I’m sick of waiting for you and your sister to get married.”

There were many other things said as well, that those were the most colorful. So…yup. Anyway, the real highlight of the day took place by the pool. Let me set the scene: My brother was in the pool with my nephew (the older one who’s going to turn 2 next month) – and they were having a great time playing and laughing. A group of us (yes, all women) were gathered around on lounge chairs watching them and chatting. (Shut up – they looked cute as hell.)

So, the lounge chairs my parents have by the pool are a nice light gray, and they’re made of a mesh type fabric – except for the frames, which are metal (duh). And we’ve had them for years. I was sitting on the end of one holding my other nephew (the younger one that you might remember from a few weeks back), and I was talking to my sister-in-law (who was enjoying a cocktail even though she was also hung over from the night before). And then…

I was on the ground. Holding a 7 MONTH OLD BABY up above my sprawled, prostrate, and (now) very bruised body. (Note: It was a miracle that when I went down, I didn’t mindlessly use him to break my fall – that would have put me on the all-time Bad Aunt list. But no (chest puffed out), instead I allowed myself to hit the ground HARD, without using my hands to break the fall at all, because I INNATELY chose to keep the child aloft and out of harm’s way. Yes, I am a rock star.)

Anyway there I was, flat on my back (kind of like a turtle – you may remember the position from this night), holding my nephew up and listening to the sounds of surprise as everyone gathered around us. And I was trying to process WHAT THE FUCK HAD JUST HAPPENED.

Oh, and my ass felt like I’d just broken it (fucking concrete around the pool). On the plus side, the baby wasn’t crying – he mainly just looked surprised – so for that…thank fucking God.

Anyway, once the baby was whisked away I chose to remain collapsed on the ground (I was taking a moment), and that’s when it finally hit me – I had fucking BROKEN a piece of furniture. A piece of furniture had been no match for the weight of my ass.

Hmmm…humbling. If I were a lesser person I might have taken that as a sign to immediately stop eating. Forever.

Thankfully, I am not that kind of chick. Plus, in my defense, 1) I’m not fat – I’m just not (broken furniture notwithstanding). So I was able to keep my sense of humor about the whole thing (although I really do think I’ve fucked up my tailbone). In fact, I went inside almost immediately after the Lounge Chair Debacle of ’07 to tell everyone who’d missed it what had happened – boy were they bummed they hadn't been there. THEN I went into work the next day and wrote a blog post about it – I have no shame. 2) The mesh on the chair I had chosen was ripped along the frame on one side when I sat down – it was being held together by a couple inches of mesh that were still attached. My sitting on it precisely where I did (at it’s most vulnerable point) was really just a bad call on my part (and totally something I would do – way to pay attention Redhead). It was an accident waiting to happen if you will. I was merely a victim of circumstance. (Shut up.)

So…that was it. That was my weekend – kind of mellow actually. What about you guys? Anyone have any good stories for me?


TK said...

Wow. I mean, I had a rowdy Saturday night, but I didn't break any furniture...

As far as the vegetarianism thing goes - do you think you'll stick with it forever? I mean, do you feel strongly enough about it to do the long haul? Just curious.

Anyway, my weekend was good - I had a kickass barbecue at my house on Saturday night, and saw the new Bourne movie (fucking.awesome.)on Friday.

xmasnvegas said...

I've never broken furniture due to my fatitude, but I have broken a toilet seat. In my defense, well, I have no defense. I would think that your average toilet seat could support 190 lbs, but apparently not. I now have a toilet seat designed to support over half a ton, given to me by my roommate.

We go sledding on the lid. For what it's worth, it's never been used any other way.

Redhead said...

tk: The problem with my vegetarianism is that I LOVE meat - I just feel guilty about eating it. That's different (and in my mind more difficult) than being a vegetarian like my sister - who doesn't eat meat because she doesn't like it, not for any moral reasons - because it's completely reliant on my willpower. As for whether I'll stick with it...I don't know. I hope so.

xmasnvegas: Dude, I am not fat! I weigh about 120 lbs, I have never broken any furniture before, and my toilet seat has never so much as wobbled beneath my weight. So be nice! (Oh, and your roommate sounds awesome for getting you that seat.)

TK said...

Hey now, you can't rip on xmasnvegas when you titled your post Redheads Fat Ass. I mean, that's just not fair.

You feel guilty about eating meat? Despite being genetically and evolutionarily programmed to do so? Huh. I guess you're stronger than I, since any guilt I have over killing animals is promptly outweighed by my love of their taste. Good luck, kiddo (I mean it).

onthevirg said...

OK, how could someone NOT bring up the $1000 dinner. I mean...WHAT.THE.FUCK. Tell me there was a LOT of good wine going around that table. Or perhaps I'm just highlighting that I'm a rube and have no idea what eating in the big city cost.

Excellent save on the kid btw. How is it that at a party no one had a camcorder going. I mean doesn't this just scream to be up on youtube?

Re: Vegetarianism - There's a reason they call it a food chain. And we're on the top of it. But sure, good luck with that. Hippie.

Diarrhea of the Mouth said...

i tried to cook eggs, scrambled. my roommate who eats anything won't eat it. who fucks up scramble eggs?

and listened to a gay man whine about why he doesn't have a boyfriend. all i could think was why his shoulders were so fucking small and that his brilizan accent was giving me a headache.

yeah fun weekend.

Redhead said...

onthevirg: No, $1,000 for 6 people is even considered high for NYC - but the restaurant we were at was one of the top the world actually. And we mainly had cocktails - lots and lots of cocktails. Only one bottle of wine with dinner though, since we were all pretty well smashed by then.

No camcorders going (we're not that kind of family), thank God. And as for the food chain/vegetarianism thing - all I have to say to that is I'm not the one killing them. Why? Because I don't have the balls to - so why do I deserve to benefit from someone else's ability to kill?

diarrhea: Nice name. As for the eggs - people get really weird about scambled eggs. I know some people who only like them runny. I only like them really well done (I know, I know). Maybe you just made them wrong.

And as for listening to someone whine about not having a boyfriend - welcome to my life. Go out with my friends on any given weekend and that ALL you'd hear.

Dave said...

I will say this as a proud parent. There is no tab too high when the ones you love get together. Your dad could do it and did. Whether it is at a similar place or not, you will help host similar dinners down the road. Cost is not the issue. Ambiance and togetherness is.

Do I sound like a 50 year old Virginia gentleman? Jeez.

Great catch on the kid. Your instincts are intact.

Congrats on the vegetarian willpower. I agree with the other posts, but hats off to you. I have that double cheesburger with ketchup/onions infatuation that will always be there.

Work and PGA golf for the weekend. This weekend looks great as the best pre-Dave Matthews group from the area reunites again on Friday and a great lady will be coming to town to boogie with the old man. Ah, amore.....

Redhead said...

dave: You're adorable. And yes, your sentiments on the dinner are pretty much exactly like my father's. Whenever the family can get together, we always go all out (because it gets more and more rare the older we get).

Ugh - but don't talk about the cheeseburger! I'm so missing all of my favorite foods right now.

glassyarddog said...


I thought we had previously cured you of your vegetarian leanings. Man, drop the charade and EAT MEAT. You wouldn't be around if your ancestors from way back hadn't killed enough food to move to the next level.

Other than that, Northern Michigan was beautiful this weekend, and their wineries continue to make baby steps towards catching the California, Oregon and Washington wineries.

Redhead said...

You sound like everyone I know - yes, it's annoying that I'm trying to be a vegetarian. But let's me honest here: I feel guilty about eating meat, and I don't have the balls to kill an animal myself - so the 'survival of the fittest' argument doesn't work on me. The only hope we have of me giving this up is the fact that I just like meat too damn much. If I give in, it's because I don't have the willpower, nothing else.

Mmmm, wine.

Jumpshootingfool said...

When she gets over the "I don't want a boyfriend" phase she'll be back on the meat. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Whew! I crack myself up sometimes.
Nice catch on the kid. My softball team needs a second baseman. Interested? I did the Jersey shore this weekend (excellent!) and played golf with one of the most annoying human beings yesterday (not so excellent). That's one of the pitfalls of customer golf. You can't wrap a nine-iron around their neck, then ask them for an order.