Let's Watch the Game

Yeah, so I’ve decided to blog the Yanks-Sox game tonight. What’s that you say? Totally unoriginal idea and you don’t care what I think – well fuck you. I want to do this and now ya’ll will essentially get the experience of watching a game with me (except without all the drinking – I’ll be drinking though, so don’t you worry about that). For those of you who don’t like sports…bite me.

7:02: Fucking Michael Kay – this dude makes my head hurt. And what the fuck is Girardi wearing? I’m going to need something to watch during commercials…hmmm, is Pride and Prejudice too weird a mix with baseball? Probably – ah well, the Keira Knightley version sucks anyway.

7:06: Tonight’s scotch – Laphroaig. Good stuff.

7:07: Are baseball pictures like driver’s license photos? Do these guys not get a do-over (how do you spell that?), because most of the photos are really, really bad.

7:09: Jesus Giambi, nice play (and that’s not something I say…ever)!

7:13: Pedroia just got caught stealing – greedy bastard.

7:20: Derek Jeter with a double – fuck that’s hot.

7:25: A-Rod’s pants are just tight enough to distract me (shut up everyone). Wait, there’s baseball being played? A-Rod must have been distracted too since he just struck out looking. Loser.

7:28: Aw, the announcer’s just said that it seems like Mike Mussina is dealing with a little bit of self-doubt. I wonder why? Oh that’s right – it’s because he SUCKS!

7:29: Lowell just hit a long out, and Singleton says, “That would have been an RBI in Boston.” Um…no, it wouldn’t. Now I’m no rocket scientist, but even I realize that while that certainly would have been a hit in Boston, it wasn’t high enough to be a homerun. And there was no one on base. Sooo, what am I missing here?

7:36: Somehow Clemens walks two guys and gets out of it unscathed. Lucky bastard.

7:40: Paul McCartney and Lorne Michaels are in the crowd; Michael Kay just felt the need to share with us how he wants to host Saturday Night Live. Worst…idea…ever.

7:47: I have to say this – ever since the 2003 World Series, I want nothing but bad things to happen to Beckett.

7:49: RBI for Melky! I fucking LOVE him! That, my friends, is a #9 hitter.

7:52: I think Varitek and Beckett are in love – they’ve talked more during the first two innings of this game than I’ve spoken to most boyfriends.

7:54: Two-run single for Damon! Suck THAT Beckett!

7:57: Someone’s rattled – E1 (that’s an error for the pitcher – Beckett – for the non-sports fans out there). Ah shit, I’m going to have to slow down with these comments or this is going to turn into the longest post ever. Cool, more drinking time for me!

8:12: WHAT WAS A-ROD DOING?!?! Talk about getting greedy, he took a HUGE turn at first and didn’t make it back before the throw. FUCK!!!!!!!!!

8:25: Just spent the last 10 minutes on the phone with my mom – she’s freaking hysterical. My parents just got back from a cocktail thing, and let’s just say that when my mother gets a few drinks in her she tends to get…lovey. A direct quote: “No one is as lucky as I am, because I have you.” My response: “How much have you had to drink?” Damn she’s adorable. As for the game – go Hideki Matsui and that fucking awesome triple!

8:38: They’re still talking about the same damn squirrel from last night (they had a camera on it for the LONGEST TIME during the game yesterday). Apparently it’s back. Now yes, if I was a squirrel I too would want to live at Yankee Stadium, but still…

8:52: Ooh, look at all the celebrities. I wonder why they’re all here at a Yanks-Sox game. Posers.

9:00: Fuckin’ Ortiz!!!! He just hit a goddamn homerun. Well, at least now I can talk a little more about Clemens (I wasn’t saying a damn word about him when he had a no-hitter going).

9:04: I can’t help it – I LOVE it when they replay that Aaron Boone homerun. As for Clemens: 5 walks in 6 innings. To use a baseball announcer term, he seems to be ‘effectively wild’ tonight.

9:15: Here’s the problem – we’re getting hits, we’re just not getting them when anyone’s on fucking base! Shit, I’m starting to get agitated. I need more scotch…that’s better.

9:27: Bases fucking loaded and we do…NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate everyone.

9:36: Kay just said that people are actually calling into radio shows and asking why Joba can’t pitch every day? Really? Who the fuck are these people? Have they learned nothing from the Torre era? Yes, let’s overuse him and blow out his arm even faster than Torre would otherwise. Fucking morons.

9:48: A-Rod just hit an A-Bomb! That was my John Sterling impression. Fuck. Yeah. Beckett’s now leaving the game like the loser he is. OK Alex baby, everything is forgiven.

10:03: Ah shit, Farnsworth is in the game. This could get ugly…fast.

10:08: Yup, I called that one – 2 run homer for Youkilis (and his ugly, nasty face…um, I mean facial hair – yeah, that’s what I meant).

10:16: Mo’s in – I feel better. I do. Really, I do. (How many times do I have to say that before I believe it? Shit, I feel like I have post-traumatic stress disorder from the 2004 ALCS.)

10:27: Um…this game may never end.

10:34: FUCK YEAH! Mo almost killed Andy Phillips on the last out of the game, and it was AWESOME. Yanks 4, Sox 3. That’s it guys, I’m done.

Oh, I also want to give a special shout-out to Cheese; he is a rockstar who – as a favor to me (without even meeting me and checking out my rack!) – took a look at my resume and gave me some really good advice. He also kept me company on email while I was watching the above game, so he’s my new favorite person. For some reason he doesn’t have his own blog (what, does he have a life or something?), but he apparently hangs out at his roommate’s page (you can find it here). Now what have the rest of you done for me lately, huh?